2017: The Ebb and Flow
If you would’ve asked me in December 2016 where I would’ve been a year from then, I wouldn’t have even imagined I would be living in Los Angeles nor the journey I would embark on during 2017 to get to that point. I had a lot of highs and lows during the year. It’s time I look back and reflect as a form of catharsis. I truly believe that one’s past does not define him or her. This is one of the best ways I can sort through my thoughts that always seem to be in a cloud jumping amok in my brain.
The first quarter of 2017 had me at the end of a body and lifestyle transition. I was on this emotional high that I’ve previously shared in this blog as well as social media about my fitness progress and body transformation. Over the course of the previous year, I dropped over 100 pounds and was at the peak fitness I had ever been in my entire life. This set me up in a place mentally where I had finally started to see myself for who I was, and I began to truly love myself in my own skin. I looked in the mirror and I was happy with what I saw; there wasn’t a moment of “change this” or “I wish I had a smaller/bigger that.” My body was as perfect as I wanted it to be, and I was in an even state of mind. This would lead me to the mid-part of 2017. This would begin the peak of my year.
I entered into a relationship that would change me. Rather than go into great detail about that relationship, I would much rather go into who I was during this phase as well as who I became after it. I was so emotionally invested and devoted that I lost myself and who I was. I was blinded by the moment that I couldn’t see the toxicity that was in front of me. Towards the end of the relationship, I began to sober up, and I saw that I was in deeper than I had ever imagined. I was also consuming copious amounts of alcohol during this timeframe. I knew that I was in a bad spot, and I didn’t know how to safely get out of it as I had lost so much of myself and the person I had grown into prior.
I had also made a personal decision that I wanted to return to Los Angeles. This decision was in no way tied to what I was going through at the time. This had been something on my brain while I was in college, and I never knew quite how I would fit it on my life map. But stars were aligning and an opportunity presented itself. I applied for a position over the summer, and within a couple months and some flights back and forth, I got the job. I was elated. This was a turning point for me.
The dissolution of a toxic relationship and the move toward a better opportunity brings me to present day. I’m now in the twilight of 2017 looking back at the high points and low points. I don’t have regrets if I am being completely honest. For the first time in my adult life, I allowed myself to love wholly (this was a concept I protected myself from.)
I was afraid in my moment of frailty that I would come out of the relationship bitter and hopeless. On the contrary, I’m even more hopeful. I am strong and getting stronger each and every day. I now know what I am capable of and have a bright future ahead of me. I am not broken like I thought I was or would be. I’m on my own now and growing with each moment that comes. I look towards 2018 with 2017 in my rear-view mirror. I’m focused back on myself. I am enough. I am better. I am worth myself.